Nothing to say? Yeah Right!

I was totally going to blog last night while I was playing in the mookie so that my best girl, Lori from back home would have something nice and fresh to read this morning when she got to work. But, I started looking at the houses that my realtor sent me and that took up quite a bit of my time, plus I was playing three games of poker, talking to roomie, making phone calls to my mom to find out what my price range is going to be on the house and trying to give some love to my favorite dog in the world, Lucy, so, no fresh blog for Lori. Sorry chica.

Plus, I was going to copy the list of razzies that came out yesterday and I was going to do a little synopsis on each one. But, once I re-read the list, I realized that I hadn't even seen half of the movies on that list, so it wasn't the best idea for me to write about it.

Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to blog about.

First thing that comes to mind is that I need to stay away from multi table tournaments online. I get too antsy - especially when I play in the evening after work and my stomach starts growling and I need dinner and I just blow it at the end. I made it pretty far, if I would have been more patient instead of pushing with stupid A2 suited I probably could have had a chance to make the money. But, after playing for 2 + hours and it was going on 10 p.m. and I still hadn't eaten anything, I gave up and went all in. My bad. Stupid impatient move. My forte' is one table sit and go's. I do the best in those, so I'm going to stick with those.

Next thing that comes to mind is roomie is going out of town next week again and I have to stay in the house alone. I blog about this everytime because I HATE it. It's a double edged sword. On the one hand it's nice to have the crib to myself, I can play whatever music I want, as loud as I want (although Lucy doesn't like it when I play it loud) - I can watch the T.V. as loud as I want (he's always telling me to turn it down) and I can like, walk around naked if I want - although I rarely ever do that. On the downside, I have walk lucy every single day - that's a big responsibility ha ha. And, she always hears a cat or something in the middle of the night and starts barking and freaks me out. I always think it's an intruder, I can't sleep and I get all scared.

Geez, I used to totally own my own house and I lived there alone. I was FINE. I had a cat and that was it. I didn't need a guy to take care of me, I didn't have a dog to protect the house and I loved living alone. Now, I'm getting to be a total wuss in my old age. I lean on him way too much for way too many things.

Do you know that I don't even have one bill in my name? Not even my cell phone. I give him a portion of every single paycheck and he takes care of paying all the utilities, my cell phone, the rent, the cable - everything. What the hell happened to me? I think that's why I'm so scared for him to leave and move back to Florida. I would be a lost puppy dog.

On the one hand, it would probably be a good thing for me to take a little more responsibility on be a little more self sufficient. But, on the other hand I think back to what I did to my life when I was taking care of myself and when I had all of the responsibilties - I CHOKED. My life slowly and steadily spiraled out of control until one day my parents were in my house, cleaning everything out, sending me to rehab, selling my place, moving everything into storage and I was jobless, friendless, penniless and very very sick. I was knocking on death's door.

I have been struggling these past 6 years to put the pieces back together and it's really hard and I've stumbled a lot and I've fallen down - way down and I've brushed myself off and gotten back up and then I've fallen some more and it's like a constant roller coaster ride and I'm scared to take on too much again because I might lose it again.

So, what I've learned is that what works best for me is when I give someone trustworthy my paycheck as soon as I get paid. That way I can't get into too much trouble. I guess I should be embarassed to say that as a 35 year old woman I can't be trusted to have too much money on me at any given time, but it's the truth and if nothing else, I always tell the truth on this little blog of mine. It's really my online diary for the world to read. But, more than that, it's a healing tool for me. It makes me feel good and helps me get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It helps my head shut down a little bit.

Anyway, for someone who didn't have anything to write about today, I sure took up a lot of space huh?